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Steve Austin, Stretch Armstrong, Simon Le Bon

Profitlead Entertainment Inc.

Pilot episode of a new cartoon series aimed at 8 - 12 children.

The series centres on the titular trio of Austin, Le Bon and Armstrong. None of them are voiced as you would expect: Michael Winner appear as Austin, Jean Michel Vincent is Le Bon, and Winona Ryder is Armstrong. They are revoltingly sanctimonious eco-fascists working for a dogooder philanthropist who looks a bit like Barry Took. Their main adversary is a poorly thought out global megacorporation/terrorist group/dictatorship/garden centre type thing called CLAM. We do not find out what the CLAM acronym stands for, but I expect it sounds really contrived. In defiance of all logic, CLAM's leader is a baboon with a flatulent goat for a chin, voiced by Dale Winton.

In this first adventure the cartoon animated trio face danger in the Amazon basin from cows that CLAM has genetically hybridised with Fat Boy Slim. I can only assume that future rants (which is what this episode amounts to) will tackle complex issues in a similarly simplistic and biased way, giving no consideration to the potential benefits of continuing the rape of our planet.

The stories conclusion is similarly disappointing. Le Bon's whiny singing distracts the cows, enabling Austin to garrotte them with Armstrong's obscenely rubbery form. They then burn down the labs and murder all the scientists in them, while delivering one-liners that even Chuck Norris would recoil from.

This leads to much camp complaining, bleating and scolding of minions from Winton. Meanwhile Armstrong says some sort of nondescript pun to do with cows, which leads all the good guys to roll about in fits of forced laughter. Roll credits, which would be a relief, but unfortunately the music is a cover of a Starship song, by KISS featuring Vanilla Ice.

Contains swearing and Grimsby.

Copyright 2001-2011 Tom Waters -
This is a work of fiction. Any similarity to actual persons living or dead, except with satirical intent, is purely coincidental.

Bad Apple is not intended for readers under 18 years of age, the insane, the elderly, the afraid, or the pale and downtrodden. That's just how we roll.